end of the line......for now.

unfortunately i haven't been updating as much as i used to. things have been pretty good lately, except for the job situation (still). but other than that, i have nothing to complain about, lol, which is pretty much the direction of every post i put on here.

so as of right now i'll be shutting down the metamorphosis, though i don't plan on discontinuing the blog altogether. i'm sure something will happen down the line, but for now i'm going to put it on hold.

brower, we'll text, haha.

later bitches!!

happy day of birf....

i'd like to wish Mr. Tom Brower a very happy birthday. i was unable to make it to connecticut to celebrate, so the next time you're down here let's get fucked up!!


britannica.

salad anyone?

i wouldn't usually write about this, but a bunch of friends and i were having a pretty heated discussion about it and i'd like to see what people think of the argument....

we were all sitting around the other day talking about the extent to which you'd go with a girl sexually. about 90% of the guys there said they like going down on a girl, and have no problem doing so. then the interesting question popped up......would you eat a girl's ass?

now i know my own feelings on the situation, but i'll talk about everyone else's first. the room seemed to be split down the middle. some were all for it, and some couldn't believe that people even consider doing it. i fall in the category of both. for one, i do think the idea of it is pretty gross. but on the other hand, i have no problem doing it, but on one condition......only in (or right out of) the shower. there's just no in-between there. if it's not in or straight out of the shower, i won't do it. period.

i wonder how everyone else feels about this......leave some comments....

SERENDIPITY....

if there was anything i took from the 2+ months i lived on my own with the guys in valley stream it was:

-i love my fucking friends.

-i neeeeeed a bigger fucking bed!

-i know for a fact that i could live with other people without going insane.

-my love for sports was re-realized by having a sports game on on any given night.....thank you guys.

-freedom is a wonderful thing.

so the guys have moved to long beach, and i'm back to living at home. it's cool for now....but just for now. i literally just can't live here much longer. i'm long overdue to be living on my own, and i really can't wait for that next step in my life. i have about 3 days left until i find out if i get this full-time job or not, and i'm really excited about the possibilities. i've been working really hard for the past 6 months or so, whether it be on my career, at the gym, or working on my pimp-game (lol, i'm seriously kidding). but things have really been clicking for me lately, so getting this job would be the ultimate topper. i can't wait to start my career and start making some FUCKING MONEY!!! holy shit, that concept is so fucking cool. working saturdays? not anymore mother fucker! haha. well, i shouldn't start talking yet, because i haven't gotten the job yet. but here's to hoping.

----------

so this weekend was really sick. friday night was pretty much just a chill-out night in long beach, where chef q made us a delicious dinner. saturday night was also spent in long beach, only with a bigger crowd. we all pre-gamed at the house and then went out to minnesota's and had a great time. sunday was a trip. i spent saturday night at roe's where neither of us got any sleep (not in that sense though, lol), and then had a wedding to attend later in the day. i think overall i got maybe 5 hours of real sleep this weekend......awful. but that only highlights the fact that i had a GREAT weekend. this girl is really fucking amazing. for some reason she's really into me, why? i don't know....but i like it. i'm having a great time, and i'm really looking forward to this summer and doing a lot of fun shit. my views on this summer completely changed from wanting to rack up numbers, to getting to know this amazing girl. we get along great, make each other laugh, have many of the same interests and mesh pretty well with each other's groups of friends.

i definitely didn't think that i'd be in this position at this point, considering how big of a game i talked about staying single for a looooong time. but these things happen. they come out of nowhere when you least expect it. and for me to ignore it or move past it because of some silly belief that i should be macking them all, is just dumb. i wasn't looking for this, but i found it and i'm looking forward to seeing where it goes.

decrescendo....

"And I knew that you just couldn't wait
To put your sharpened dagger in
And watch the look on my face
It was all you were searching for
A picture frame consistent
To being alone
Now we're content with illusions
And our arm length smiles

Did you get what you wanted
Did you get what you wanted now
This is all that I'm asking
Cause its the love we're forgetting now
Did you take what you wanted
Did you get what you wanted from me
This is all that I'm asking
This is all that I'm asking you

Oh the years that have all been erased
No superficial shelter could ever replace
And its all you we're searching for
Another adequate replacement
To walk through your door
We're content with illusions
And our downhill eyes

Did you get what you wanted
Did you get what you wanted now
This is all that I'm asking
Cause its the love I'm forgetting now
Did you get what you wanted
Did you take what you wanted from me
This is all that I'm asking
Yeah this is all that I'm asking

Have you ever felt what it means to be truly alone?
Stop and think right now
Have you ever been alone?
Have you ever felt so cold?
Have you ever felt to truly alone?
So freezing cold?
So find the fakest elation I hope it takes you away
Now I've got it all worked out now
Just a memory, picture framed illusion

Did you get what you wanted
Did you get what you wanted now
This is all that I'm asking
Cause its the love I'm forgetting now
Did you get what you wanted
Did you take what you needed from me
This is all that I'm asking
This is all that I'm asking

Did you get what you wanted?"

.decrescendo.

i really hope you're happy....because i am :)

back to basics....

hoooooly shit, it's been a while since i've written on this fucking thing. so many things have changed since my last post, and i certainly can't update everything right now, but i will give the quick scoop:

just moved back home after living with my friends in valley stream.  complete freedom ---> back in the cell.  no, i mean its not that bad, but i just got waaaaaay used to living on my own.  more about that later......

andddd....been seeing this new girl.  and i like her :)

more to come bitchessssss!!

okay okayyyyy

bout the baddest girl i ever seeeen

straight up out a movie sceeene.

first day / excited

so today was my first day at i&D and i found myself more excited than nervous the morning of. i just feel comfortable there, which is really cool.  the two dudes in the crew are pretty chill and the art director seems cool. they're like a tightly knit crew, and i like that. they tried to explain how everyone at the company is really laid back, but they get everything done. the one thing that i found interesting was the severity of deadlines. i mean obviously they're important, but i've just never been under a "real" deadline before, and it was just interesting to see how seriously they take it. but i shouldn't have a problem cuz it was never a problem in college.....just laziness, lol.

so anyway, i filled out some paperwork and got my first project.....logo.  cool.  i've been in the habit of making logos lately, so i thought this was a good way to start my stay here. i'm gonna be answering phones and the door, but other than that i'm basically just working on projects all day. i have my own desk with dual monitors and a suped (sp?) up mac. ill. it's a really cool feeling being there and tasting the business. i still can't believe we get paid to do what we do. nasty.

so yeah, i'm excited to go back in, lol. which is weird because i hate work. all work. but there's something fun about it......which i'm sure only lasts so long, haha. 

nonetheless, good first day.

-----------------------------------------

so i thought this weekend was going to suck being that i wasn't able to go on the skiing trip with everyone, but it turns out that i'm possibly even more excited about saturday night than i was. word. what? yes, word.

looking.forward.

things (at the moment) are good. 

inspiritaion.

spring training is in full swing, players are working hard to sharpen their skills for another long and arduous season ahead.  i can't help but feel like a minor leaguer hoping to get signed to a long-term deal.  so far i've been invited to camp....

yeah sonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.  well it goes like this.....

since i graduated in may i haven't gotten a job.  not a full-time job anyway.  freelance was there on a limited basis, but didn't last that long.  (actually hoping i can pick it up again).  anyway, since i couldn't get any responses for full-time jobs, and things became increasingly frustrating as time went on, i started to apply for internships.....awful.  in any case, i've been brought on board with a design company/team in freeport called i&D media.  when i went in for the interview i was immediately at ease and felt comfortable in their offices.  it has a very laid back feel to it, and everyone there seems pretty cool.  the dress code is as we choose, except for when clients are in the building.  and my hours are as i make them.  pretty sick.

well yeah, it's sick, but at the same time i'm not getting paid, lol.  whatever.  i've never had any experience up until this point except for my short freelance job in valley stream, so i'm excited to expand my knowledge of the business.  i'm going to be working around 2-3 days a week, as well as working my part-time job, so i'll be pretty busy for the next couple of months.  what is very cool is that they seem intent on training me to become a permanent employee, and seem to be excited to have me become a part of their team....which is sick.  but again, if i come away with nothing else but experience from this whole thing, it will have been worth it.  right now i'm working part-time at something i don't want to be doing.  i have 2 days off a week, which is great, but at the same time awful because i feel guilty that i'm not doing anything.  this internship is nothing but a positive for me at this point.

so i'm excited.  i haven't been excited for anything in a long time, so it feels pretty good to actually look forward to something other than partying with the crew (which is pretty much the only thing i look forward to these days, haha).  word.

i'm gonna try my best to post some updates and maybe some work on here, depending on how things go my first couple of days.  im starting to feel creative again, which is always a good thing.  inspiration kidddddd.

peace. for. now.

(btw, i'm really into the paint splatter recently, as you can tell, haha)

"chasing impossible dreams, no matter how hard it seems

looking attractive, knowing it's only a tease

but please, give me the time i need, i'm begging you on my knees

i'll never give up, no way, i'll never release

i never wanna become one of the dead, the deceased

i wanna be a lasting legend, make a permanent crease

i hope i make an impression and someone finally sees

all i'm asking for is no war, forever in peace."

i had written this back in 2003, just around the time zug had started up.  our writing was pretty amateur at the time, but i always liked these lines for some reason.  probably because it was one of the first times i actually wrote something that i meant, and that meant something to me.  i never thought i would use it in any songs, but it ended up being the last few lines of the song "the last night" which closes out our second (lol) album.

i don't wanna come off as if i'm serious about our music.....because i'm not, lol.  it was started as a joke, and we basically played off that for every song we wrote.  nothing is from real life (for the most part anyway), we used (mostly) already-established beats, and we basically just treated it as entertainment for ourselves.  i had the most fun writing those songs with the guys, and recording the music together.  it was definitely a great time in my life.  just coming up with lyrics and flows and calling the other guys up to be like, "what do you think of this, dude....".  it's the best feeling when you make someone else in the group go, "damn dude, that's siiiiick", and they mean it.  i know that we all tried to get better lyrically as time went on, but dan and i in particular would always try to one-up each other when it came to writing verses for songs.  (Jay and Anthony always had their own verses already written down, or as Jay used to do, write verses the night we recorded, haha)   there was never any ill will or anything like that....it actually just made us want to write as good a verse, if not better, than the one he just wrote.  we became better at honing our skills through friendly competition, and i'm grateful for it.  to be honest, and with all due respect to the other guys in the group, dan has to be the best out of us all lyrically.  some of the things he writes blows my fucking mind.  he's got shit written (and some recorded) that i literally can't believe he's written. 

i felt like we had all taken a big step forward from our first "album" to when we wrote "the last night...".  we had experience with writing and recording, and i even started experimenting with making beats.  on our second album i had made one of the beats from scratch, and mixed together around 3 others from existing songs to create workable beats.  the others we just plain stole, lol.  but i mean our chemistry just got better as far as knowing what we wanted to accomplish, and i think it shows by the songs on the second album.  but still, i must say again, we never took ourselves (too) seriously, lol.  i listen back on some of our songs and i just laugh, because in all honesty, what were we thinking? haha.

so anyway, i don't know how this turned into a history-of-zug post, but all i'll say is that i'd love to make another cd.  those were seriously some of the best days of my life, and i'd love to (try) and live them again.  so, long live zug.  g and conig, i hope you're enjoying your taste of the zug crew....and as for matt....you can try to come at us if you want, but we've already taken down MerkOne, and would have no problem....literally no problem....ripping you 4 new assholes.  so if you wanna bring it, bring it.  if not, we'll be content with sitting on our throne.  what.

later bitches!

(oh, and btw, i might be posting random verses from our cd's in upcoming posts because nothing exciting/interesting is going on in my life right now and i'm running out of things to write on this thing, haha)

get out.

i really wish this procedure actually existed.

(btw...one of my favorite movies of all time.)

the dopeness.

i just recently saw the movie "the wackness".  one would say the movie was about smoking weed, and taking pills, but it was so much more than that.  i definitely recommend seeing this movie.  the soundtrack was simply amazing, as was the way the movie was written and directed.  every actor played their part convincingly, if not superbly, and the two main actors (josh peck and ben kingsley) played so well off each other.

anyway, the movie takes place in manhattan in 1994 and the main character sells weed as his job. he pushes around an ice cart filled with weed and sells it around the city to returning customers.  this is the basis of the movie, but like i said, it's so much more than that.....just check the movie out.  in any case, i've never wanted to live in manhattan more in my life.  i've gotten to the point where i just need to get the fuck out of this goddamn town.  the same people, the same buildings, the same shitty routine every day.  oh, and did i mention the same people?  i don't know what it is, but i can't seem to shake this fucking cloud that's hanging over me day in and day out.  don't get me wrong, there are rays of sunshine every now and then.....there's even full sunny days sometimes.  but for the most part, it's overcast.  i know that most of these feelings are caused by me not having a job out of college yet, and everything just seems to be stagnant at the moment, but it's getting to be sad.....and discouraging.  i need to be moving.  i need to see more shit.  experience things that i've never experienced before.  i need to be out there, not stuck in here running on this fucking hamster wheel.

i have so many ambitions, and so many interests in countless hobbies that i want to dip my toes into.  but at this point, i feel like if i'm doing anything other than putting 100% into trying to find a job and make some money, i'm wasting my time.  i need to lay the cement before i can play basketball in the driveway.  with a job out of the way, i feel like i can start living up to my potential and start doing the things that make this life more interesting....to me at least.

i've never been an independent person.  i've always relied on people to help me, or guide me.  i'm just not used to being alone....this is probably the reason i've had two very long relationships in the past ten years.  i've been single for two of them.  i never went away to college, which i regret every single day of my life, and i still live at home.  i'm just like this caged animal that can't wait to break out....the only problem is, i have no experience with being this completely independent person.  but i want to find out.  i need to find out.  because at some point i'm going to be in my thirties and i'm going to regret (again) not seizing opportunities that came my way when i was younger.

this is essentially the parallel that the movie plays off of.  the main character is fresh out of high school trying to find his way in the world before he goes off to college.  his psychiatrist, (and customer) is unhappily married and floating through a medicated, bullshit life.  he doesn't necessarily regret his past, but instead reflects on his younger years through his pot dealer/patient.  fortunately for him (the main character), he still has his whole college career ahead of him.  and even though i'm finished with college and have started my "adult" life, i'm still fairly young enough to still do the things that i will look back on one day and smile.  smile with the knowledge that i fulfilled the years that most older people kill to experience again.  and it's this that motivates me.  i am now one motivated mother fucker.  i'm ready to start looking at the dopeness. 

uncharted territory...

I was going to begin this post with a slew of stats and facts on how former (damn it feels good to say that) president George W. Bush was the worst president this country has ever seen.  But instead of looking back at the past 8 (awful) years, we should look forward to what is to come from our new president....

I was off from work today, so I was lucky enough to catch the inauguration of our 44th president.  I knew that I was watching an important piece of history, something that will never happen again....only because it simply can't.  The first black president of the United States.  I must admit, I never thought we would see the day.  But now that I have seen the day, I am proud that our country has taken this giant step forward.  Hopefully this is the beginning of a great presidency.

The turnout was amazing.  It felt as though I was watching a documentary about the 1960's.  There were people gathered as far as the eye can see.....stretching almost two miles from where President Obama was about to make his speech.  And what a speech it was.  Let's take it back for one second and just realize the severity and importance of what America has done in electing Obama as our president.  Up until 1964 this country faced racial discrimination and segregation.  Blacks were once slaves in this country, owned by the overpowering white America, like we now own cars.  They were a possession.  Blacks helped build most of the foundation of America against their will.  Slaves even helped build the Capitol building and the White House in Washington, the very place Obama will live and take power for the next four years, if not more.  The significance of this is beyond astronomical.  It just really shows how a race of people that have fought through the hardest times imaginable can come to the highest position of power in the same country that they were once slaves to.  President Obama marks a staple in American history that will forever change our racial landscape, but more importantly our human progress.

Having said this, let's look back on his speech.  While the entire world watched, including the 3 million+ in attendance, Obama delivered a no-nonsense promise to the country (and the world) that he will turn things around.  With all the craziness surrounding this day, the glaring media spotlight, the racial significance, and the restlessness of an entire country, the new president addressed the world with a steady hand.  With the weight of the world now solely on his shoulders and the eyes of every supporter, doubter, admirer, cynic, and believer watching his every move, Obama did not falter.  Instead, he addressed the issues surrounding this country and what was needed to fix them.  He recognized the "crisis" that America is currently going through, and explained how we are entering "new era of responsibility", how we need to come together as a country.  I'm excited by the ideas and potential of President Obama, and I'm hoping beyond hope that he delivers half of what is expected of him.  

Even still, the job is a tough one.  Imagine trying to clean up one of the worst eras of American history after the shittiest president ever treated his job like a joke.  This is uncharted territory for America, and even with the promise that Obama will turn our economy around, create new jobs, build new homes, and keep our country safe from terrorists, it is still a pretty dark tunnel that we are about to enter.  I am, however, of pretty sound mind.  I have faith in President Obama, and I do believe things will get better in this country, even if it is not immediate (which it probably will not be).  I'll leave with this one quote from his speech, which I liked and proudly stand by, "Know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more."

Here's looking forward to the next 4 years.

fuck you, pay me!

i need a fucking job!! it's gotten to the point now where i just feel like a complete waste, lol. i laugh, but it's really not funny. i know it's time to cut the bullshit and really focus on what's important. it's just hard because no one will respond to ANY fucking applications! i've applied to at least 30 companies in the past 3 months, and i haven't gotten one reply. it's just frustrating.

i worked for this company in valley stream for a little while last year, but it didn't really end too well. the people were nice, and it seemed to be a good starting off point, but the only problem was....no money. i did a bunch of work for some of their clients, and i never got paid....not once. there was a problem with every single client, and it got to the point where it just wasn't worth my time anymore.

i've reached the point in my "career" that i know my work is worth something. i have the degree to back that up. i never had any confidence in my work, or if i did, i never thought it was worth anything because it was all for school projects. i would get a lot of compliments on my work from professors, and even enter a bunch of them in competitions at school, but when it came down to it, i never realized that it would be worth something. which is a pretty dumb thought considering this is what i was going to school for....to make money with my designs. it just hasn't taken off yet. freelance is a bitch. but it could be really cool if i could get some word-of-mouth promotion.....jobs seem to come in more consistently.

right now i'm just trying to teach myself some new programs so that i can be more versatile at whatever job i'm (hopefully) hired for. it's tough though, because there's so much to learn, so many programs, and at times it's definitely overwhelming. i have been a lot more aware of things lately though. for a while i lost any desire to do anything, especially in design. i've just recently began having ideas and seeing things how i used to see them. the most important thing for me has always been that i love creating art. it was this "love" that made me realize that i wanted to do this for a living, because i was always told to do something that you love or else you'll hate your job every day. thankfully i've gotten this feeling back, so here's hoping it will turn into a career real soon. word.

no more bullshit.

well i'll start by saying happy new year! i have been really excited to start '09 for so long now.....and now that it's here, i feel pretty much the same, haha. i think i'm just really looking forward to the nice weather to start. i hate the winter.

things have been changing for me even still. and since i'm not a sad, depressed mother fucker anymore, this blog will be changing its purpose. basically i'm just gonna be writing about whatever comes to mind. i've reached a new point in my mind where i'm finally feeling more comfortable with myself than i've ever been......in my life. i no longer harbor feelings (or thoughts for that matter) for that mistake of an ex-girlfriend. in fact, i look back now and can't understand what i was thinking even dating her. i'm not going to go on a rant here about her....it would be in bad taste, and i'm not that kind of guy. but i will say that i couldn't be happier that i'm single.

i've been having a great time doing my thing. i really couldn't ask for a better group of friends. it's more like a family when we're all together, and it's one of the best feelings in the world.

but going back to new year's.....we had a sick time. every single person on that party bus was completely wasted, and it didn't stop until around 6am. gangsta. we basically took up an entire room at '4' with the entourage we had that night. there was no fucking around. i think it's safe to say that we rang in the new year right.


and about resolutions....i have a few this year. but they're more like goals really. i can't really get into the specifics, but hopefully a bunch of them will be talked about on here in the near future, haha. peace for now.