the dopeness.

i just recently saw the movie "the wackness".  one would say the movie was about smoking weed, and taking pills, but it was so much more than that.  i definitely recommend seeing this movie.  the soundtrack was simply amazing, as was the way the movie was written and directed.  every actor played their part convincingly, if not superbly, and the two main actors (josh peck and ben kingsley) played so well off each other.

anyway, the movie takes place in manhattan in 1994 and the main character sells weed as his job. he pushes around an ice cart filled with weed and sells it around the city to returning customers.  this is the basis of the movie, but like i said, it's so much more than that.....just check the movie out.  in any case, i've never wanted to live in manhattan more in my life.  i've gotten to the point where i just need to get the fuck out of this goddamn town.  the same people, the same buildings, the same shitty routine every day.  oh, and did i mention the same people?  i don't know what it is, but i can't seem to shake this fucking cloud that's hanging over me day in and day out.  don't get me wrong, there are rays of sunshine every now and then.....there's even full sunny days sometimes.  but for the most part, it's overcast.  i know that most of these feelings are caused by me not having a job out of college yet, and everything just seems to be stagnant at the moment, but it's getting to be sad.....and discouraging.  i need to be moving.  i need to see more shit.  experience things that i've never experienced before.  i need to be out there, not stuck in here running on this fucking hamster wheel.

i have so many ambitions, and so many interests in countless hobbies that i want to dip my toes into.  but at this point, i feel like if i'm doing anything other than putting 100% into trying to find a job and make some money, i'm wasting my time.  i need to lay the cement before i can play basketball in the driveway.  with a job out of the way, i feel like i can start living up to my potential and start doing the things that make this life more interesting....to me at least.

i've never been an independent person.  i've always relied on people to help me, or guide me.  i'm just not used to being alone....this is probably the reason i've had two very long relationships in the past ten years.  i've been single for two of them.  i never went away to college, which i regret every single day of my life, and i still live at home.  i'm just like this caged animal that can't wait to break out....the only problem is, i have no experience with being this completely independent person.  but i want to find out.  i need to find out.  because at some point i'm going to be in my thirties and i'm going to regret (again) not seizing opportunities that came my way when i was younger.

this is essentially the parallel that the movie plays off of.  the main character is fresh out of high school trying to find his way in the world before he goes off to college.  his psychiatrist, (and customer) is unhappily married and floating through a medicated, bullshit life.  he doesn't necessarily regret his past, but instead reflects on his younger years through his pot dealer/patient.  fortunately for him (the main character), he still has his whole college career ahead of him.  and even though i'm finished with college and have started my "adult" life, i'm still fairly young enough to still do the things that i will look back on one day and smile.  smile with the knowledge that i fulfilled the years that most older people kill to experience again.  and it's this that motivates me.  i am now one motivated mother fucker.  i'm ready to start looking at the dopeness. 

uncharted territory...

I was going to begin this post with a slew of stats and facts on how former (damn it feels good to say that) president George W. Bush was the worst president this country has ever seen.  But instead of looking back at the past 8 (awful) years, we should look forward to what is to come from our new president....

I was off from work today, so I was lucky enough to catch the inauguration of our 44th president.  I knew that I was watching an important piece of history, something that will never happen again....only because it simply can't.  The first black president of the United States.  I must admit, I never thought we would see the day.  But now that I have seen the day, I am proud that our country has taken this giant step forward.  Hopefully this is the beginning of a great presidency.

The turnout was amazing.  It felt as though I was watching a documentary about the 1960's.  There were people gathered as far as the eye can see.....stretching almost two miles from where President Obama was about to make his speech.  And what a speech it was.  Let's take it back for one second and just realize the severity and importance of what America has done in electing Obama as our president.  Up until 1964 this country faced racial discrimination and segregation.  Blacks were once slaves in this country, owned by the overpowering white America, like we now own cars.  They were a possession.  Blacks helped build most of the foundation of America against their will.  Slaves even helped build the Capitol building and the White House in Washington, the very place Obama will live and take power for the next four years, if not more.  The significance of this is beyond astronomical.  It just really shows how a race of people that have fought through the hardest times imaginable can come to the highest position of power in the same country that they were once slaves to.  President Obama marks a staple in American history that will forever change our racial landscape, but more importantly our human progress.

Having said this, let's look back on his speech.  While the entire world watched, including the 3 million+ in attendance, Obama delivered a no-nonsense promise to the country (and the world) that he will turn things around.  With all the craziness surrounding this day, the glaring media spotlight, the racial significance, and the restlessness of an entire country, the new president addressed the world with a steady hand.  With the weight of the world now solely on his shoulders and the eyes of every supporter, doubter, admirer, cynic, and believer watching his every move, Obama did not falter.  Instead, he addressed the issues surrounding this country and what was needed to fix them.  He recognized the "crisis" that America is currently going through, and explained how we are entering "new era of responsibility", how we need to come together as a country.  I'm excited by the ideas and potential of President Obama, and I'm hoping beyond hope that he delivers half of what is expected of him.  

Even still, the job is a tough one.  Imagine trying to clean up one of the worst eras of American history after the shittiest president ever treated his job like a joke.  This is uncharted territory for America, and even with the promise that Obama will turn our economy around, create new jobs, build new homes, and keep our country safe from terrorists, it is still a pretty dark tunnel that we are about to enter.  I am, however, of pretty sound mind.  I have faith in President Obama, and I do believe things will get better in this country, even if it is not immediate (which it probably will not be).  I'll leave with this one quote from his speech, which I liked and proudly stand by, "Know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more."

Here's looking forward to the next 4 years.

fuck you, pay me!

i need a fucking job!! it's gotten to the point now where i just feel like a complete waste, lol. i laugh, but it's really not funny. i know it's time to cut the bullshit and really focus on what's important. it's just hard because no one will respond to ANY fucking applications! i've applied to at least 30 companies in the past 3 months, and i haven't gotten one reply. it's just frustrating.

i worked for this company in valley stream for a little while last year, but it didn't really end too well. the people were nice, and it seemed to be a good starting off point, but the only problem was....no money. i did a bunch of work for some of their clients, and i never got paid....not once. there was a problem with every single client, and it got to the point where it just wasn't worth my time anymore.

i've reached the point in my "career" that i know my work is worth something. i have the degree to back that up. i never had any confidence in my work, or if i did, i never thought it was worth anything because it was all for school projects. i would get a lot of compliments on my work from professors, and even enter a bunch of them in competitions at school, but when it came down to it, i never realized that it would be worth something. which is a pretty dumb thought considering this is what i was going to school for....to make money with my designs. it just hasn't taken off yet. freelance is a bitch. but it could be really cool if i could get some word-of-mouth promotion.....jobs seem to come in more consistently.

right now i'm just trying to teach myself some new programs so that i can be more versatile at whatever job i'm (hopefully) hired for. it's tough though, because there's so much to learn, so many programs, and at times it's definitely overwhelming. i have been a lot more aware of things lately though. for a while i lost any desire to do anything, especially in design. i've just recently began having ideas and seeing things how i used to see them. the most important thing for me has always been that i love creating art. it was this "love" that made me realize that i wanted to do this for a living, because i was always told to do something that you love or else you'll hate your job every day. thankfully i've gotten this feeling back, so here's hoping it will turn into a career real soon. word.

no more bullshit.

well i'll start by saying happy new year! i have been really excited to start '09 for so long now.....and now that it's here, i feel pretty much the same, haha. i think i'm just really looking forward to the nice weather to start. i hate the winter.

things have been changing for me even still. and since i'm not a sad, depressed mother fucker anymore, this blog will be changing its purpose. basically i'm just gonna be writing about whatever comes to mind. i've reached a new point in my mind where i'm finally feeling more comfortable with myself than i've ever been......in my life. i no longer harbor feelings (or thoughts for that matter) for that mistake of an ex-girlfriend. in fact, i look back now and can't understand what i was thinking even dating her. i'm not going to go on a rant here about her....it would be in bad taste, and i'm not that kind of guy. but i will say that i couldn't be happier that i'm single.

i've been having a great time doing my thing. i really couldn't ask for a better group of friends. it's more like a family when we're all together, and it's one of the best feelings in the world.

but going back to new year's.....we had a sick time. every single person on that party bus was completely wasted, and it didn't stop until around 6am. gangsta. we basically took up an entire room at '4' with the entourage we had that night. there was no fucking around. i think it's safe to say that we rang in the new year right.


and about resolutions....i have a few this year. but they're more like goals really. i can't really get into the specifics, but hopefully a bunch of them will be talked about on here in the near future, haha. peace for now.