the dopeness.

i just recently saw the movie "the wackness".  one would say the movie was about smoking weed, and taking pills, but it was so much more than that.  i definitely recommend seeing this movie.  the soundtrack was simply amazing, as was the way the movie was written and directed.  every actor played their part convincingly, if not superbly, and the two main actors (josh peck and ben kingsley) played so well off each other.

anyway, the movie takes place in manhattan in 1994 and the main character sells weed as his job. he pushes around an ice cart filled with weed and sells it around the city to returning customers.  this is the basis of the movie, but like i said, it's so much more than that.....just check the movie out.  in any case, i've never wanted to live in manhattan more in my life.  i've gotten to the point where i just need to get the fuck out of this goddamn town.  the same people, the same buildings, the same shitty routine every day.  oh, and did i mention the same people?  i don't know what it is, but i can't seem to shake this fucking cloud that's hanging over me day in and day out.  don't get me wrong, there are rays of sunshine every now and then.....there's even full sunny days sometimes.  but for the most part, it's overcast.  i know that most of these feelings are caused by me not having a job out of college yet, and everything just seems to be stagnant at the moment, but it's getting to be sad.....and discouraging.  i need to be moving.  i need to see more shit.  experience things that i've never experienced before.  i need to be out there, not stuck in here running on this fucking hamster wheel.

i have so many ambitions, and so many interests in countless hobbies that i want to dip my toes into.  but at this point, i feel like if i'm doing anything other than putting 100% into trying to find a job and make some money, i'm wasting my time.  i need to lay the cement before i can play basketball in the driveway.  with a job out of the way, i feel like i can start living up to my potential and start doing the things that make this life more interesting....to me at least.

i've never been an independent person.  i've always relied on people to help me, or guide me.  i'm just not used to being alone....this is probably the reason i've had two very long relationships in the past ten years.  i've been single for two of them.  i never went away to college, which i regret every single day of my life, and i still live at home.  i'm just like this caged animal that can't wait to break out....the only problem is, i have no experience with being this completely independent person.  but i want to find out.  i need to find out.  because at some point i'm going to be in my thirties and i'm going to regret (again) not seizing opportunities that came my way when i was younger.

this is essentially the parallel that the movie plays off of.  the main character is fresh out of high school trying to find his way in the world before he goes off to college.  his psychiatrist, (and customer) is unhappily married and floating through a medicated, bullshit life.  he doesn't necessarily regret his past, but instead reflects on his younger years through his pot dealer/patient.  fortunately for him (the main character), he still has his whole college career ahead of him.  and even though i'm finished with college and have started my "adult" life, i'm still fairly young enough to still do the things that i will look back on one day and smile.  smile with the knowledge that i fulfilled the years that most older people kill to experience again.  and it's this that motivates me.  i am now one motivated mother fucker.  i'm ready to start looking at the dopeness.